Foray into the outside world was summarily both a disappointment and a renewed hope for the world of cinema last night.

Let's begin by overanalyzing everything.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has one too many 'of the's in it's title. But, so did the previous one.

Apart from the movie being something of a sociopolitical commentary about human beings and what we do when our backs are against the wall, and how much the new super-alzheimers-apes are beginning to be like us, the movie was excellent.

I will say this, and I'm going to reference some other movies here, so if anyone doesn't want spoilers or doesn't want to hear my thoughts on movies then you should stop reading.

Special effects are not special when they're in every damn scene.

They are simply then. . .the movie. When people go into a movie and say 'OMGZ the special effects were so awesome!'. Sure they were. Because chimps and gorillas cannot act or be controlled and taught to choreograph fight scenes. Or maybe they can, only Jane Goodall would know. I bet she choreographed chimpanzee spaghetti westerns. Because why not?



When the movie is made with 1,000,000 or whatever special effects shots, they HAVE to be good, because that's the movie. The movie can still be crap. The special effects are not special they are the only means to make a movie about apes. They were good, yes. But the film falls apart without a storyline or believable and relatable characters.

On the whole though, The Planet of the Apes and the of the Dawn of their Planet of the Fall of the Humanity of the Apes was good. Worth $8.50 to see once? Well there were no crying babies in the theater, so sure. Kinda. Not. But sure.



This is how Arnold looked when he heard about Michael Bay doing something stupid. Like remembering to check a teleprompter. Or not doing that shitballs.

Michael Bay. . .stop it. Who were katana-helicopter-bot, gangster-trenchcoat-bot and John-Goodman-bot. Why were the dinosaur-bots so pissed off? If they were made with Cybertron technology couldn't they just understand Optimus? Why does every Asian person know kung-fu? Why did John-Goodman-bot smoke? Why was his cigar also a rocket launcher? If Transformers have energy weapons that conceivably never run out of ammunition why would they transform their weapons into guns that shoot bullets and DO run out of ammunition? Seems counter-productive?

Plot-holes do not a good story make, cracka.
                            -William Shakespeare

It might be fine for some people, and by some I mean people with frontal lobotomies. But the majority of people out there who are not breathing through their mouth can pick out plot holes pretty quickly. And the majority of those people are willing to give producers the benefit of the doubt on the first one.



Oh, Optimus can fly? That would have been useful for literally the entire movie while he was trying to run away or towards something and was either too late or not soon enough for the whole movie.

Plot hole. But, maybe there was some weird reason behind Optimus' lack of flight that wasn't explained in the movie or was obvious to people who know about the weird Extra-terrestrial Agway package that everyone was fighting over that gave Eighteen Wheels of Kickass the ability to fly. I'll give Mikey the benefit of the doubt on that one.

The other thirty-seven or so plot holes are a no-go. They made that movie un-watchable.

Yet, the worst part, I paid for my ticket. That dastardly sumbitch got my money again. Fuck.

So I sat though it. It was awful.

Michael Bay won again. But no more! I refuse to pay for another Michael Bay film.